Once upon a time...well, actually a couple of weeks ago, Lauren and I were trying to work out how many television shows we could crossover into one episode. The following is not as extensive as our verbalised version, and nowhere near as complete, but hey, the ravages of time on memory and all that...
Why I've not yet been employed as a script-writer, I don't quite know...
Crime Scene & Order: SVNY with Criminal Investigative Medical Spooks and Vampires.
It’s a late evening at a naval air station in Pensacola, and a pimple-faced NCO is eating a Whopper at the base’s Burger King. Suddenly, he begins convulsing, and collapses, dead. Jethro Gibbs and his NCIS team turn up in Pensacola, only to discover that the body is gone, taken to Washington, DC, by an NIH team led by Doctor Steven Conner. DiNozzo makes a pun involving being late to a crime scene and Gibbs’ third wife. Gibbs tells DiNozzo to shut up. Kate Todd laughs, and then makes a gender-stereotypical comment about shaving her legs.
Meanwhile, in Washington, Conner is visited by the father of the deceased. He hands the father over to Miles. The father says something about how he doesn’t like doctors because his wife/sister/brother/mother/father/goldfish died on the operating table. Miles looks contemplative, but this only lasts a short time, because Conner’s Superhuman White-Hair-Enhanced Microvision ™ spots a minuscule orange thread on the white shirt of the dead navy guy. Disregarding the fact that, if the NCO died due to sickness he now has most likely contracted the pathogen as well, as he does not believe in protective garments, Conner immediately realises that the thread, being orange-tinted, must have come from Miami.
In New York, Mack Taylor is staring off into space, until he is brought back to Earth by Stella Bonasera, who has been watching him, concerned, for the past fourteen minutes (including ad breaks). There has been a murder in the Bronx, which is handy, because since everyone who dies in New York dies in the Bronx, the CSI: NY office is located there. Taylor leaves for the crime scene. When he arrives there, he is confronted by Gil Grissom from the Las Vegas CSI team, who informs him that the M.O. of this killer matches that of one who struck in Vegas last week. Never mind how Grissom knew there had been a murder in New York and got there, from Vegas, in less time than it took Taylor to step out the door. Do not question. Grissom knows all.
Taylor bags and tags everything, before noticing that the victim is wearing a peculiar ring, somewhat related to the logo of an obscure US government agency which has been linked to the Russian Mafia in the past. Sensing a conspiracy, Taylor puts a call into the Special Victims Unit, and asks for John Munch to assist.
At Miami-Dade Police Department, Lieutenant Horatio Caine is suffering three problems. Firstly, he is trying to convince Internal Affairs that, no, Calleigh Duquesne’s name is not spelt “Callie Ducane”, as any sane person would expect. Secondly, he is trying to prove to a young woman by the name of Buffy-Anne Summers that, despite his elfish appearance and requirement of wearing sunglasses all day, every day, he is not a vampire. Speaking of sunglasses, his third dilemma is that he cannot find his, and thus. While speaking. In. Short. Stilting. Sentences. As. He. Always. Does. He cannot. Work. Any. Cases. Today.
Steven Conner bursts into Miami-Dade then, and immediately, utilising his Superhuman White-Hair-Enhanced Ocular X-Ray Vision™, spots H’s sunglasses; they are on the forty-sixth floor of the building, behind the water-cooler outside Alexx Woods’ autopsy room. How Conner could spot this is not questioned by H; he’s worked with him of the white hair and blue eyes before.
H examines the orange fibre. Indeed, Conner was right; it is from Miami. More to the point, a similar fibre was found on a murder victim who was brought in just last week. As the murder victim happened to be a holidaying MI5 agent, also assisting in the investigation are Tom Quinn and Harry Pearce, who confuse Conner because they have British accents and yet are good guys.
Gibbs arrives at NIH Headquarters, just as Miles is relaying a gut-wrenching story of a case he once treated during his internship to the father of the dead naval guy. The father breaks down in tears, apologises to Miles and proclaims him to be the greatest guy on earth. Gibbs throws the father out of the way and demands to speak to Miles’ superior. Frank the token black guy walks out and makes a disparaging comment about being a naval officer: “Hell of a way to earn a buck.” Gibbs throttles him.
Back in New York, Munch goes to see his Russian contacts. While he does that, Fin goes back to the ‘hood where he had his crib, chilling wiv his bruvvas and dissing about his Jew. Captain Cragen, unable to take any more of Fin’s slang, hits a bar, where he finds Ben Stewart, on holidays from Mount Thomas. Also there is Doc, who is drowning his sorrows before going back on the beat for the third watch.
Simultaneously, Mack Taylor has called in his old buddy Robert Goren from the NYPD. Goren looks up everyone’s nostrils to find the truth. Only finds nose hair. He postulates that the perpetrator may have been a male, with premature middle-age spread, of approximately six feet in height, with a goatee of eighteen millimetres in length, a scar over his right eye from a schoolyard brawl he had in Sixth Grade; this traumatised the youth into becoming the murderer he is today. The precinct bursts into applause. To check his veracity, they attempt to speak to the victim themselves, despite the fact they are dead. This they try to accomplish using the help of a medium by the name of John Edwards...
How does the episode end? How many more television shows can Bodie work into the script? We’ll probably never find out…
