More hypotheticals? You bet!

In light of my recent post about the gun lobby in America, I decided that one figurative story is never enough...

Imagine a shipyard. The company that operates it is a big contractor to governments from around the world; it builds submarines for many navies, and develops computer systems, combat systems and so on. Anyhow, the company, which, for the sake of this story, we shall call United Labor Systems, is in competition with another company, known as National Liberal Seapower Pty. Ltd., for a multi-billion dollar contract for the Royal Australian Navy--National Liberal is proposing that the Navy continue with its tried and tested but updated John Winston-class submarine which, though nearing the end of its expected lifetime in service, offers stability, flexibility, and familiarity to the submariners of the RAN. In the meantime, United Labor has designed a brand new, radical Kevin Michael-class vessel which, according to United Labor's design brief, will revolutionise naval warfare, likely at the cost of more traditional methods. The radical differences between the traditional John Winston and the more modern Kevin Michael will be hard for submariners to get used to, but United Labor believe that their boat is best for the country.
Two days before the head of the RAN was to visit United Labor, in order to hear their marketing spiel for the Kevin Michael, United Labor's Accounting (Southern) Division received a phone call. The Southern division's chief accountant, Kevin O'Foley, answered.
"Kevin, it's Keith", came the voice on the other end of the line. O'Foley immediately realised the honour he was being given, for the man on the phone was none other than Keith Rodd, CEO of United Labor Systems.
"Sir, what can I do for you?", asked the gob-smacked but somewhat smarmy O'Foley.
There was a click.
"We have a problem", Rodd told him. "You know that the entire admiralty will be coming on Sunday so that we can give them our sales pitch for the Kevin Michael?"
O'Foley knew that indeed. Rodd continued.
"Our problem is that we have no one who can do the presentation."
O'Foley frowned.
"What about Julie?", he asked. Julie Gizzard was the Vice-President of the corporation.
"She can't do it, Kev. She made a hash of a press conference recently. Besides, between you and me, her voice really pisses me off."
"Mike?" Mike Renn was the head of the entire Southern division of United Labor, a man with an almost perfect track record, a purported love of football and an ego the size of Alpha Centauri.
"No, Mike's on the outer for this. He's under fire for allowing that new tramline to be built between our factories. People in the south are complaining, and the admiralty don't really know him. You should understand that, Kev."
"Sorry." O'Foley thought for a moment. Then a smile slowly crept across his lips.
"I've got just the person!"
"Who? One of our top engineers? Our press secretary?"
"Nope", said O'Foley. "But don't worry. She'll be perfect."

When the various admirals from the Navy arrived at the United Labor shipyards, they were met by a woman with a vacuous smile and head to match, who insisted that, once she had spoken to them, they would definitely be buying the Kevin Michael.
"My name is Nancy Korns", she told the men from the Navy. "And I can guarantee you that the Kevin Michael is the best submarine since...um...that one from that book. You know..."
"Nautilus?", Admiral Mayo suggested. He came from the hills around Adelaide, and as the new submarines were to be based in South Australia, the majority of the men at the conference were naval men from that state. "Jules Verne's creation?"
Korns grinned.
"Nooo", she said slowly, as if lecturing a schoolboy. "The Kevin Michael is built by Mr Rodd, who is a wonderful, wonderful man."
"No, I meant the book", Mayo told her.
"What book?"
A sigh. "Never mind."
"The Kevin Michael is a great boat", Korns continued. "United Labor is very proud of what we've created."
"You were involved in the design?", Vice-Admiral Hindmarsh supposed.
"Er...no."
"The construction, then?"
"No."
"What was your involvement, Mrs Korns?"
A sheepish smile.
"I'm the wife of the factory's football team's coach."
Mumbling from the congregation, but Commodore Boothby raised his hand.
"Please, chaps, let's allow Mrs Korns to answer some questions", he suggested. "Just because she wasn't directly involved, doesn't mean to say that she knows nothing about the submarine."
Korns nodded.
"As long as they're not hard questions."
Commodore Boothby continued.
"Mrs Korns, what type of drive does the Kevin Michael have?"
"Oh, we're all very motivated here."
Boothby shook his head.
"No, I mean, the power behind the submarine. What sort of power plant? What power does it generate?"
Korns frowned.
"I don't know much about that", she admitted.
"How about sensor equipment?", Admiral Mayo asked. "Communications? Computer systems?"
"I haven't read anything about that."
"Weaponry and defensive systems?", Hindmarsh pressed on.
"I asked you not to ask any difficult questions", Korns blubbered, close to tears.

As the naval men left United Labor that day, Commodore Boothby turned back to a wet-cheeked Nancy Korns.
"Mrs Korns, what qualifications do you have to try and sell us a submarine?", he inquired.
At this, Korns smiled.
"Why, I'm a mother, and I'm at university. I've almost finished my degree!"


It's like Billy Connolly once said. If you wanted to build an ocean liner, you wouldn't ask a marshmallow-maker. Why on Earth did Labor think it was a good idea to recruit Nicole Cornes to contest Boothby against the ascendant Christopher Pyne at the Federal election? As she proved conclusively, she knows next to naught about politics, has not even bothered to look at Labor's manifesto. This is another reason why Kevin Rudd will lose the election. The first reason is Kevin Rudd.