Celluloid cellulite, or unwelcome movie things

Apologies for not posting the happier side of Melbourne. I promise that this is coming soon!

Having seen a recent movie advertisement, I have come to the conclusion that films are going down the proverbial gurgler. Yes, it's the new Bruce Willis flick, Die Hard 4.0, which is pronounced "Die Hard Four-Point-Oh"; meaning that there should be a better version released in cinemas next year, called 4.1. Or, if it's anything like Mozilla Firefox, 4.0.0.102.
In his old age, Bruce Willis seems to be suffering from some pretty nasty complaints.
Doctor: What seems to be the problem, Mr Willis?
Willis: Doc, these hemorrhoids are killing me!
Doctor: Well, let's take a look...aaaah, I see the problem. Terrorists have taken your family hostage again, and are using them as pawns in another overly extravagant plot with little chance of success, aren't they?
Willis: Yeah, and it's a real pain in the...whoa, why didn't I think of that before? You're a genius, Doc!
It is different for Kiefer Sutherland. He is, after all, Jack Bauer, working for the Counter Terrorist Unit. And Jack is very cool. As is the rest of 24. Bruce Willis, on the other hand, is like that annoying, mature-age student in your uni course, who probably knows that whatever they say is completely incorrect and jarring, but will say it anyway, loudly and often. Or does that only happen in my courses?

Anyway...

One of the most troubling things about the movies today is that there's nothing much new going around, nothing ground-breakingly good. There are, occasionally, some diamonds in the rough. I'm thinking of Million-Dollar Baby, The Quiet American, and films of that ilk. But when the latest blockbusters include:

• Transformers, which sparked a fan furore because there were flames painted on the side of Optimus Prime, which was derided by nerds globally;
• I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, combining one disastrously unfunny actor (Adam Sandler) with another disastrously unfunny actor (Kevin James), producing a disastrously unfunny movie loaded with limp innuendo and tired jokes that would be more at home on the Channel 9 "comedy" The Nation, which is also (surprise, surprise) disastrously unfunny;
• Blades of Glory, the latest in a string of progressively worsening Will Ferrell films;
• and the aforementioned Die Hard 4.0;

it's not all that hard to see why I don't often go to the cinema anymore. There is, quite literally, nothing worth watching. And all the ones that are worth watching are foreign (such as das Leben der Anderen), and thus only shown at Palace Nova, meaning that you have to somehow work your schedule around an expensive trip to the East End. When the most innovative premise for a mainstream film in the last couple of years was Snakes on a Plane, it's time to get worried. But what would be the worst ideas for films? Please suggest some, but here are some of my own ideas:

• Morse on a Horse: From the producers of Snakes on a Plane comes this year's western blockbuster! A resurrected John Thaw plays Inspector Morse, also resurrected from the dead, but finding himself (somehow) in 1852 Texas. The roving Morse, along with his trusty thoroughbred, must solve crimes all over the Wild West, while at the same time searching for a decent pint of lager.
• Little Dicky: This docudrama of the life and times of Richard Nixon, before he became president of the USA, shows him to be a light-hearted, well-meaning individual, who, in spite of being crude and ridiculous, just wanted the best for everyone around him. Starring Adam Sandler as a thoroughly unconvincing Nixon, and Nathan Lane as the over-the-top token gay friend Nixon never had.
• Slightly-Less-Water-World: The long-unawaited sequel of the film no-one liked! Kevin Costner reprises his underwhelming role as "the Mariner" (of no relation to the marvelous starship), as he (again) searches for land. Some action happens, probably involving pirates or sharks, or pirate sharks. Watch for the scene where the Mariner pees in a cup and then drinks it...again!
• Die Hard 4.0

Go.